To Be Known: God's Desire for Us - Healing with Christ in the Present from the Past for the Future

The Eight Desires Examen

Dr. Karen Shields Wright

“Our lives are shaped by the things we desire.”

Thomas Merton

“Our hearts are restless until they can find rest in you.”

Augustine of Hippo

Reflection- Desires and Wounds

In the book Seven Desires by Mark and Debbie Laaser, they list seven desires, those deep yearnings found within the human heart. They are: to be heard and understood, to be affirmed, to be blessed, to be safe, to be touched, to be chosen, and to be included. Their counseling work is based on the teachings of Virginia Satir; they found in her model that our behavioral, relational, and psychological problems were symptoms of something deeper – our unmet desires.

These desires are basic to our humanity. They are God-given desires – innately human needs, not wants, that are written in every heart. When these basics are not met during our development, clinically, we have seen they then lead to false ideas about ourselves, thus creating a set of core beliefs that are carried through into our adult life with perceptions and expectations rooted in such wounds resulting in behaviors that come to affect our relationships – with others, God, and ourselves, and not in a positive way.

This leaves a restless desire, a yearning to heal such wounds; though we may not know from where they come, we know the pain. The pain, so familiar, becomes like a dimmed, flashing warning beacon, an intermittent reminder that we are somehow faulty. When such basic desires are not met in the present, we react (physiologically) to a jolt of grief stored in those buried memories, becoming the driver of our perception and expectations, leading to disappointments and possible reactive negative behaviors.

How do we bring this pain to God, who desires to heal us and is the only One who could fulfill those desires completely, when we are experiencing either shame* from sins upon us, or guilt from difficulty in forgiving, or our reactivity that led to unintentional or even an intentional sin upon others ? Most of us have difficulty knowing the ‘why’ of the ‘what’ happening in us, no less than trying to talk about it.

We experience shame from sin inflicted upon us, and guilt from our sin upon ourselves and on others. For it is a sin that begets more sin (sin is moving away from grace and love), lending a sense of endless hopelessness and despair if we dare to tell the truth of such deep pain that brings us into fear.

We desire God to take away our pain without considering what caused it. We want to hide from it. A pain we do not even know how or want to express its depth and breadth, or even where it resides with us, or how it came to be. We want to be delivered from it, to be removed instantly without our effort, for we are tired, exhausted by those shadows we shun.

When God does not respond as we expect to that desire, we can fall into a downward spiral with a cacophony of voices filling our minds with unworthiness. We experience disappointment, frustration, doubt, grief, despair, and a loss of hope. Yet it is only God who could fulfill all those unmet desires if we only let Him in, in His way.

We long for each other, God and I. God wants us to talk to Him. We desire to be heard by our God. "I cried out to God for help. I cried out to God to hear me." Psalm 77: 1-2 

God wants us to hear him "Give ear and come to me, hear me that your soul may live" Isaiah 55:33. “ I KNEW YOU BEFORE I KNITTED YOU IN YOUR MOTHER’S WOMB, I CALLED YOU BY NAME” Jerm 1:5, Ps 139: 13-18.

We need to be reminded of this reality that began at our creation and continues in every moment of our existence. In being created by God, we were chosen, included in His human and Trinitarian family, touched by His breath, blessed with gifts, affirmed as good and faithful servants, and safely held in His arms. At the same time, He knitted us in our mother's womb and continues in every moment of our existence, for we have been seen, heard, and understood.

We were chosen, yes, we are still chosen, and we will be chosen.

Acknowledging that there are unfulfilled human desires at critical times in our lives, either due to the sins of intent or omission by others, and wounds that can be triggered in the present, is the first step. It happens to all of  us. Even though we do not know yet what is behind the pain. It’s not to run away from the pain, for God is already there, waiting to help even when we do not want to surrender or trust. It is by accepting there are wounds to be unbound that we are called by Jesus to take one step, as a leap into faith.

In faith, God heals the intellect.

In hope, God heals the will.

In love, God heals the heart.

Even with our free will, when we take a leap of trust, we experience fear about what will be expected of us – to forgive!  "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."#_ftn1 Yet how do we begin to forgive when those sins upon us have caused us such unbearable pain? Yes, we know we are to forgive, but deep inside our bodies, we find a familiar feeling. Naming the ‘never again’ feeling – resistance. A natural byproduct of living under sin.

What else brings an anticipatory angst is not knowing why we automatically react to certain things either by freezing, fleeing, fawning, or boiling over with anger from someone or something seemingly not objectively unrelated but feels the same in our gut?  

 We need to speak the truth to God and take courage from His grace and kindness, especially when we are confused. It is as if we cannot find our way out, now being locked in fear when triggered at the mere thought of looking into that dark abyss. Let us look at how Jesus responds to others who have experienced what we are living through now. Do not be afraid, Jesus said, I will be with you always. How can that be? He died 2000 years ago. Yet He overcame death, revealing to us His divine-human nature, He who is now living, sitting at the right hand of God the Father in His transfigured Risen state. In this state, He can come to touch our living souls (our heart) where the pain lives in and is expressed through our mind/body.

This is who and how we come to meet Jesus. In the Eucharist, he spoke into existence – “This is My Body, given up for you.”  This is the cup: “Drink of it, all of you; for this is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins."[1] 

El Roi means “The God who sees me.”

God has gifted us several faculties[2] of our soul.  Here we are looking at another way God has given us to t heal our wounds– it is to enter into our memory.

Here letting Jesus gently lead us and walk us you through the abyss - holding our hand –stepping together into those hidden shadows of pain that we have trembled to go alone. And rightly so, we should not go there alone.* God said He would always with us. Jesus said He will never leave us. 

Here, let Jesus gently lead us and walk us through the abyss - holding our hand –stepping together into those hidden shadows of pain that we have trembled to go alone. And rightly so, we should not go there alone.* God said He would always with us. Jesus said He will never leave us.  

Here we find ourselves landing in our hearts. The very core of our being – our soul holding the pains of our memory, waiting for Jesus to enter. Our soul is tired.  There, we let Him touch the wound with His wounded hand.  We are to let Him gently unfold those frozen places to bring His light and warmth of love.

Through our shame due to the sins of others, we can now see through His eyes with compassion – we can come to know who we truly are in Him and allow His grace to be the salve to close those cuts that still bleed, for it is the way to forgive others so as to be unburdened.

Then our hearts, once hollowed out by guilt of our own sins, are now transformed through Him into a loving, contrite heart that overflows due to His merciful grace.

 We may have to have help from a faith-filled professional, spiritual director, or confessor.

 

 

What can we do day by day? 

What can we do when our present desires are not being met? First, become aware of when our present desires are not being met and how we have responded in thought and behavior. More often than not, our awareness kicks in after we have reacted in a way that was not our best self.  

An increase in awareness will come naturally as we develop a virtuous habit of reflection through the daily Examen. Here, our cognitive brain trains itself to come online (due to a formed conscience) more effectively, so that the emotional brain is ready to go awry into a protective reactive behavior.

The Examen

At the end of the day in reflection, we are to ask:

·      What were my God-given desires today?

·      Were they disordered or inordinate?

·      Could it be that my faulty or non-virtuous behavior or even sin comes from a misplaced or mistaken perception?

·      What are my attachments? 

·      What faulty core beliefs are hiding within about myself or about others?

·      What unmet desire is holding back my interior freedom?

·      If there is a wound, am I ready to look at it with Jesus' help?

·      Do I need support from a friend in Christ? 

 

The Eight Desires Examen

The Examen is a daily prayer of recollection, a review of the day of who we encountered, of God's presence and action, and how we responded to the gifts of Himself, of creation, and of others. We ask God to help us see what He desires to show us so as to come to grow in holiness through those deepest desires He planted in us.

Movements of the Examen Prayer

1. Gratitude – Thanksgiving for the day's graces and gifts.

2. Guidance –Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal the day through Christ's eyes and for what He most wants you to take note of. 

3. Review – Who and/or what did you encounter? Discern the Holy Spirit's leadings. 

4. Reflect - How did you respond? Why? Share your thoughts and feelings about what came up. Listen for the Spirit's guidance. 

5. Request  - Share your concerns about tomorrow and ask specifically for what you need.

6. Take action - Commit to taking guided action.

Notes to come related to neuroplasticity and iterating changes via habit building.

The Eight Desires*[3] TO BE KNOWN

1.     to be chosen

2.     to be safe

3.     to be included

4.     to be heard

5.     to be understood

6.     to be affirmed

7.     to be touched

8.     to be blessed

Scriptures

El Roi means “The God who sees me.” Ro'iy in the original Hebrew can be translated as shepherd, or as seeing, looking, or gazing.

Psalm 139:13-16

You formed my inmost being;    you knit me in my mother’s womb.¹⁴ I praise you, because I am wonderfully made;    wonderful are your works!    My very self you know.¹⁵ My bones are not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret,    fashioned in the depths of the earth.^[a]16 Your eyes saw me unformed;    in your book all are written down;    my days were shaped, before one came to 

Call of Jeremiah 1:4-7

4 The word of the Lord came to me:5 Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,    before you were born I dedicated you,    a prophet to the nations I appointed you.[^b]6 “Ah, Lord God!” I said,    “I do not know how to speak. I am too young!”[^c]7 But the Lord answered me,Do not say, “I am too young.”    To whomever I send you, you shall go;    whatever I command you, you shall speak.8 Do not be afraid of them,    for I am with you to deliver you—oracle of the Lord.

Ps 4:9

In peace I will lie down and fall asleep,  for you alone, Lord, make me secure.

 

 

Suggested Questions

1. Who did I encounter today?

2. What were the graces and gifts received?

3. Of the eight God-given desires, which one (or more) was met today – by God, by others, by self?

How were they met?

What was my reaction/action /behavior?

What thoughts, feelings, and actions came up as they were met?

What memories were triggered in having my desire(s) met?

Notice how God is calling you to more of the same desires to meet them for others.

Who did I listen to and understand?

Who did I affirm and bless?

Who felt safer with me, to be included in friendship?

4. Of my eight God-given desires which were unmet today –by others, by self, or perceived as not by God?

What 'problem' or concern came up?

What emotion was triggered?

What were the feelings or ‘felt feelings’ of those emotions?

What were my thoughts?

What was my reaction/action/behavior?

What were my expectations? 

Were they true? 

Was it disordered or inordinate? 

What was the truth in the situation: of the person, of myself, of God?

5.Of those unmet desires, ask God to walk with you to the past wound for healing and forgiveness for others and yourself. 

Interior Steps

Aware, understand, and commit.

·      Ask to become aware of my desires and needs.

·      Ask for the grace to see through Christ’s eyes, to feel, speak, and act with the mind of Christ

·      Ask to understand them, and if need be, ask for healing of the wounds and forgive.

[1]" (Matthew 26:26-28) Luke 22:19–20; Mark 14:22–24; 1 Corinthians 11:23–25)

[2] Operations and faculties of the Soul

·      Intellect (reason) the faculty of the soul that seeks truth; it has the capacity for understanding, allowing for abstract transcendent thinking.

·      Will is the soul’s capacity for choice, driven by what the intellect presents and translating its understanding into intentional actions

·      Memory operates to notice, store, and recall linking past experiences via simulating sensations producing thought (images or words) to one’s present perception. 

·      Affect (Emotions/Feelings and Appetite) its sphere ranges from one’s automatic reactive responses to a stimulus such as an emotion or one’s conscious felt feelings, or an intentional subjective response to an object, or a driver through desires eliciting bodily sensations. Affect needs to be ordered by the intellect and will.

These faculties are interconnected, with the intellect and will acting as primary functions, while memory and affect serve as internal sensors for the soul to navigate reality.

[3] Seven Desires by Mark & Debbie Laaser